This is an open letter of thoughts relating to self doubt.

For as long as I can remember I have always struggled with self-doubt, especially as a child, but perhaps more so now I am older.  The deep heavy feeling inside of me added to the thought process of I am not good enough is present and unfortunately correct!  Being a woman has probably added to this as I have often felt inadequate or not able to accomplish anything.  Looking back, this has been further highlighted by people who I entrusted my professional advice and knowledge and also people I called friends. To them, I suppose I was just someone with big thoughts and what could I know when I was not successful in their eyes. Do people sense the insecurity felt by others and in some instances feed off this?

There was a part of me that did believe that I was capable, yet the self doubting quickly overruled that.  Running a business can indeed impart these feelings as each day can be a new set of challenges along with facing the same challenges from the day before.  No matter how I could provide solid advice and guidance to clients new and old, somehow I could not implement this same advice for me.   I felt hopeless, in my mind I was hopeless and in essence I was just playing the whole situation out. What visions I had were either dashed by my own self-doubt.

Every time I failed to pursue my goals or wishes for the business the feelings of worthiness took control.  The road blocks I hit full on were hindering me.  I was limited in seeking help as funds were limited.  The wave of euphoria when something positive occurred was replaced with a tsunami of doubt in full onslaught.  Being a mum, a partner and a businesswoman all together was perhaps too much. Yet how did the other superwomen business ladies strive and succeed?  What was I doing wrong? These questions arose daily.  What was holding me back – and the answer was simply me.  My thoughts which naturally linked into self-doubt and incapability. It is only natural when you have hit the brick wall a few times that you numb to further hits and thus look upon this as the norm.

Hindsight is excellent!  Why was the “Back to the Future” button not working so I could go forward to learn or return back and make a difference.  All I wanted was to be considered a success and for me this was to be acknowledged by having clients pay me on time, for people to recommend me.  I did not desire to be famous or have my own TV Show, I wanted to make a positive impact on those around in a meaningful way.  Raising the questions that perhaps the norm would not do was how I was.  Yet looking back I never really gave myself a really good shot at it.

Around a month ago I found myself without work (was off ill from burnout).  These feelings of self doubt soon returned and have been feeding off my insecurities.  It took sometime to realise that I am tired of feeling incapable, useless and being revolted by the sight of what I saw.   I was going to acknowledge the feelings I have had over the years and thank them for being present. For teaching me how I need to make a change in my own life. I am on a mission and this will be started by simply taking each day as it comes and celebrating the small little victories.

One of these victories was partaking in a blog a week for March. I may have slipped the past week by not having Blog 3 ready, yet I feel that this has been achieved by writing this post. I will and continue to remain positive whilst achieving little tasks and hopefully this will enable my confidence to build.  Bring some structure – waking up at 6:00am,  doing 40mins of Zumba or heart pumping exercise, thinking about me and what I want, not perhaps what other people want.  These small steps I hope will help.

With action being taken, I also needed to further confirm what redeemable qualities I had. After all, looking for work and sending off applications can be mentally and soul destroying all in one. Waiting for responses or the standard reply adds to the feeling of being insignificant. Receiving 3 emails stating “your skill set and experience is wonderful, yet you have not the necessary requirements for the job” is a quick way to eject your self esteem from the cockpit. I know that I can and will have the opportunity to succeed, yet I do know there is still a lot to drive back.  It is of course striking the balance of self doubt and positive self esteem.

Ultimately running your own business is not just a representation of your skills and experience, but who you are as a person. Working together with people who support (one hopes unconditionally) is key to success. Remaining disciplined  and remembering those small victories achieved are to be held up.  Thanking yourself for the day and those around all help to empower you forward.  We are all allowed to dream and that dream may indeed change (as they do), what is a focus is going forward.

This is not ultimately true, it is what I have seen from colleagues and friends and snippets of what I have also experienced. I hope that this can encourage  you to remain positive. To acknowledge and thank the feeling of self-doubt.  To savour and highlight the small steps and victories achieved.

The most significant changes are:

• Accept myself for who I am as an individual, do not try to fight it
• Little victories no matter how small or in sequential you may feel they are
• Believe in yourself, your capabilities
• Stop listening to how people spoke about you, to you and how that impacted on you
• Love yourself, give yourself a daily hug

Faith in others is not statutorily given. You earn it. Treat faith in yourself the same, try not to critique too hard.

Blessings,

Ngaire xx